Polyester, Beer and Fluffy
by Parodys
Summary: A quick silly-fic involving Sabertooth, Emma and a kitten called Fluffy. This wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it so enjoy!! R


Disclaimer: I own nuttin…so don't sue

Disclaimer: I own nuttin…so don't sue. It all belongs to Marvel and other people.

A/N: This is for my sister's birthday who (for some sick reason) came up with a rather diabolical challenge involving Sabertooth, a blue polyester tux, Emma Frost, and fairy cakes. Ahem…so blame her for the chaos that is about to ensue…and feel free to give it a go J Remember reviews are loved and craved...so help feed the addiction. 

_Italics indicate Sabertooth's thoughts._

*indicates actions* 

Polyester, Beer and Fluffy

By Parodys

It had been a long day…a really, really long day. Sabertooth shook the snow off of his fur as he entered the cabin, a small haven nestled deep in the Rockies. It had been way to long since he had been able to come home.

"Meowr?" A fluffy ball of white fur rubbed up against his legs and Sabertooth looked down with a grin. Scooping it up with one hand, he stared at it, glaring into it's blue eyes menacingly. "Rowr." The kitten leaned over and licked the huge man's nose.

Laughing, Sabertooth gently scratched the kitten's ears. "Hello to ya to, Fluffy." After sufficiently cuddling it, Sabertooth let the squirming ball of fur down to scamper across the room after some ill-fated mouse. Oriental rugs decorated the hardwood floors, protecting the delicate wood from his nails as he padded silently down the hall to the kitchen.

"Oh, hello sir. How have you been?" A motherly figure dressed in an jeans and a t-shirt covered by an apron, smiled at the large man's entrance. A large oak table dominated the room, currently housing a bounty of fairy cakes, scones, finger sandwiches and a pot of steaming tea. 

"Good, Dora. How has everything been?"

"Very well sir. There was a slight problem with the raccoons getting into the trash but I took care of it. Will that be all sir?"

Sabertooth surveyed the table approvingly. "Yeah, take the rest of the week off. I'm gonna spend some time just relaxing."

"Aye, I left the deer the hunter brought out back and there's some fresh bread in the pantry. Have a good night sir." Hanging up her apron, Dora slipped on her jacket and boots and ducked into the cold night. She had been working for her employer for over twenty years, and had enjoyed the work. The hours were good, the pay was even better and he provided her a cute little house about a mile away.

"You too Dora." Sabertooth absently munched on a cucumber sandwich as he poured himself a cup of tea and headed down the hallway to where he grinned in delight. Several moments later Sabertooth sank into the pink perfumed bubbles of his Jacuzzi with a sigh of relief. Really, after killing rogue mercenaries in Peru a person could just get so _tense_.

-in-

In the dark evergreens buried under several feet of snow someone snickered.

"Shut up!"

*snort*

"Will you please shut up?!? He's going to hear us!"

Suddenly the strains of the Nutcracker's Waltz of the Flowers could be heard.

Toad's eyes bulged as he clamped a hand over his face, little giggles escaping from the corners of his mouth.

Rolling her eyes, Mystique pulled a small paperback book out of her jacket. "Now what did the guy in the infomercial say?"

-in-

Large, furry hands delicately grasped the thin bottle and poured some of the purple oil into the steaming tub. Sabertooth wiggled his toes in pleasure as the scent of roses filled his nostrils and blackness engulfed him. 

From outside, the tinkle of bone china shattering could be heard. Mystique stood up with a grin. "All right, we only have 20 minutes to implant the idea before the suggestibility wears off."

Toad looked at her hopefully. "You really think it'll work?" 

The blue woman shrugged and peered at the book again. "Amaze friends with hypnotism through smell, With one sniff they're under you're power, Mr. Fantastic guarantees it." Mystique glanced at Toad. "Hell it's worth a shot." She ran a hand through her now bright lime green hair. "And anyway he deserves it after the stunt he pulled on me."

-in-

It was rather cold…Sabertooth woke up with a start, the now cool water causing goosebumps to rise on his chest and arms. "Must've fell asleep…" Yawning he got out of the tub, dried himself with a large fluffy white towel and climbed into his bed across the hall. And lay there.

For the next hour Sabertooth's restless gaze fluttered around the room.

_Damn he was bored! Look there's the clock, the dresser, the pillow, the light, the picture frame, the nightlight, Fluffy, his Star Wars life-size model of Chewbacca, the picture frame, the rug, the picture frame, the picture frame, the picture frame………_

Frowning Sabertooth reached over the grab the picture sitting innocuously on his nightstand. As soon as his eyes fell on the picture, it was as if everything had fallen into stark clarity.

_This woman was his true love! Yes! That was it!! He loved her! Madly. Deeply. Intensely…in fact he had to go woo her!!!_

Sabertooth leapt from the bed, oblivious to the snort of laughter coming from just outside his window. He would go win his true love and he would go right now! Thundering down the hall and out of the house Sabertooth stormed into the moonless night in search of his true love.

-in-

Place: England

*Ding Dong*

The woman in the silk nightgown sighed expansively, getting up from her window seat overlooking the bay. The silk swished softly around her legs as she opened the door to reveal a 17 year-old grinning nervously.

"Uh…hi ma'am. Speedy Pizza here with you'r…."

The woman glanced around furtively before flinging two twenty's at the boy and grabbing the pizzas.

"Um…kay…." The delivery boy stared at the elaborately carved oak doors that had been slammed in his face. 

Inside the woman dropped the pizzas on her coffee table, ran to the fridge for some beers, and flung herself on the couch just in time for…."These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise…." Grinning in relief that she hadn't missed the start of the show, settled down into the couch. She had shoved a melting glob of cheese pizza in her mouth, and downed a bottle of beer before the opening credits finished. 

Emma hitched up her nightgown while taking another bite of pizza, she had really needed this vacation. 

-about 1am that morning-

*knock knock*

A loud snore came from somewhere beneath the empty pizza boxes.

*knock knock knock*

Drool, that had so far managed to stay where it should, was beginning to make it's way down Emma's chin heading towards the floor, the wet strand quivering slightly each time a snore erupted from her delicate lips.

*knock KNOCK*

*Snort* Emma awoke with a start and stared blearily at the fuzzy television screen for a second, while wiping drool off of her chin. 

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

Emma yawned, and glanced at the clock with a frown. 1 am was not a good time to call her, especially after…Emma took in the chaos in her living room…two cheese pizzas, a six-pack of beer and a Star Trek marathon. Shoving the boxes out of her way, she stepped over the empty beer bottles and peered through the eyehole, not yet awake enough to muster the amount of brain power required to use her telepathy. Yawning widely, she flung open the door with a glare. "What the hell do you…."

The phrase died on her lips as she stared at the person in front of her. Sabertooth. Sabertooth in a ill fitting tux. A powder-blue tux. A polyester powder-blue tux. Holding roses. The door slammed in his face.

Sabertooth's grin faltered a little as his whiskers quivered from the vibration of the still shaking wood.Taking a deep breath and straightening his shoulders, Sabertooth knocked again.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

The door remained firmly shut as Emma fumed on the other side. Millions of thoughts were shooting through her head, 99% of which dealt with getting revenge on whomever played this dirty trick on her.

A plaintive wail came from the other side of the door. "Emma? My sweet? Why do you ignore me so? Does not thine visage see favor in my attire, my gifts, the very longing in mine eyes?"

"No! Go away!" Emma cringed as she took a quick peek into his mind and saw nothing more than her…everywhere, consuming his every thought and action. 

Suddenly the door trembled as Sabertooth's bass echoed down the hall and into the night. "Youuuuuuu arrreeee soooooooo beeeeyyyoouuuttttiiiiffffullll to meeeeeeee…"

"Please tell me this is just a dream." Emma muttered as she whipped the door open, dragged the singing mutant in and shoved him on the couch, scattering beer bottles in the process. Kicking the remote out of her way, she stood in front of him with her hands on her hips. "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?" 

Sabertooth blinked at her innocently. "I love you Emma Frost. You have my heart, you are my soul, I can't dream of another day without your beauty and kindness in my life." Before Emma could move Sabertooth had firmly planted his lips on hers, lifting her up in his huge arms and twirling her around the room. Ending the kiss with a loud smack, he put her down, totally oblivious to the violent retching as Emma emptied the contents of her stomach out on the carpet. 

Sabertooth looked at her in concern. "Not feeling well my sweet?"

Wiping the bile from her mouth, Emma turned on the mutant with a glare that shot daggers. Standing up she drew herself up to her full height, which still managed to be only chest high on the larger mutant, and hissed in his face. "That is it. I'm not putting up with anymore of this crap, get the hell out of my house before I leave you nothing more than a blithering idiot." Emma stared at Sabertooth's wide-eyed face for a moment before adding. "Even more than you are now."

His lower lip trembled. "But I love you…" 

"Enough!" Furiously, Emma tore into his mind ignoring the sick feeling she got touching his mind. Everywhere she looked all she could see was pictures of herself infused with love, almost bordering on infatuation. Gritting her teeth, Emma went even deeper until she found a set of instructions buried in the dark recesses of his mind A set of instructions that Emma carefully and methodically destroyed. Blinking rapidly, she peered at the mutant in front of her waiting to see the change. 

Sabertooth's eyes cleared as he suddenly regained control of what was going on, and if that wasn't a clue then the roar of rage was. "You bitch! What the hell were you doing in my mind?" 

Unimpressed Emma just crossed her arms and glared at him. "Getting rid of some idiotic suggestion someone put you under. As if I would put you in this." she gestured to the tux.

He glanced down and blushed in consternation. "You didn't do this?" He met Emma's eye's and nodded in agreement. "Well then who…Mystique that little…" a deep growl rumbled in his throat as he realized his tormenter.

"Thank God someone's returned to their senses." Emma muttered and walked past him to sit back down on the couch. "All I wanted was some time off, a little me time, but nooooo someone always has to meddle, take over the world." she sighed tiredly and looked at Sabertooth pointedly. "Are you planning to leave anytime soon?"

The larger mutant nodded and was halfway out the door when a grin crossed his face. "Ya know you weren't the only one on vacation this week. Perhaps some people deserve a little…" Sabertooth grinned evilly. "Payback?"

Emma smiled, her eyes glittering brightly. "I think that may the best idea you've had all night."

"Did you ever know that Mystique has this weird phobia of…" Sabertooth chuckled deep in his throat. "of purple dinosaurs?"

-in-

It had been a fantastic night for Mystique, she had finally gotten back that yellow hulk of fur for putting dye in her shampoo, and she was now sitting at home watching soap operas while eating popcorn. Laughing to herself occasionally, she chewed thoughtfully on a kernel while planning her next caper.

*Knock knock knock*

Frowning to herself, she set down the popcorn and opened the door to reveal…

"Hyuk! Hiya friend! I love you, you love me, we're a happy family.." A large, purple dinosaur wrapped it's arm around the woman as it shoved it's way in the room. 

"Mwah." Mystique tried to move her lips but she had become paralyzed with fear. Over the dinosaurs shoulder she could see Toad grinning while singing along to the nasal renditions of the singing reptile. Seeing her, he gave a huge wave…and dragged in another purple dinosaur.

"Hiya Mystique!! Guess what?!? Barney has brothers and sisters…lots of em!!" 

The woman could only gasp in horror as hundreds of dinosaurs piled into her house, surrounding her with purple, and love, and hugs. She shuddered as she felt on kiss her.

"Yep, golly gee whiz! We're gonna be your friends forever and ever and ever and ever and ever…"

-in-

Standing on a hill overlooking the house, Emma and Sabertooth watched as the thousands of rented Barneys surrounded the house. And above their laughter, they could hear the screams.

"AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I DON'T WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-fin-

A/N: Nothing here belongs to me….and the only excuse for this is that it was a birthday present that ended up being a lot weirder than planned. And for the Mystique lovers out there…sorry….if you feel the need to see Mystique in a good light check her out in J. Lynn's stories. And as always please review….it feeds the addiction J And besides…who knows what anyone does on their day off??


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